the descent cycle of this roller coaster ride I call My Life.
Yesterday I was in Westfield, the last place we went as a family before my daughter Katie died.
As I walked along Elm St. looking for the business that I was interested in finding, I found myself thinking back to the day we were last there. I think the event was called “Taste of Westfield”.
They had food tents from different restaurants, amusement rides for the kids and musical entertainment for everyone. The featured band was the “Beaver Brown” band……I’ve loved them since I heard their music in the movie, “Eddie and the Cruisers” and I really wanted to see them perform.
Katie had worked that day and after she got out, she and I took my grandkids so that they could go on the rides and hopefully have a good time being there. My son Adam was meeting us later.
With each side street and alleyway I came upon, I found myself asking myself, “was this the one?” I was looking for some familiarity to remind myself which alleyway we had stepped into to allow the kids to finish their ice creams, away from the crowd of people mingling along the street and sidewalks of Elm St.
I couldn’t remember which alleyway it was for sure.
Eventually, I found the business that I was looking for and my thoughts went back to the business at hand.
It is August again and every year, so far, since Katie took her own life, my everyday life thoughts are infiltrated by memories of how my everyday life was and events of “back then” and what might have happened to cause my daughter to do what she did.
I remembered after Katie’s death, how that day in Westfield, Katie seemed so irritated and how I tried so hard to get her out of it and I actually thought then that I had succeeded. Now I think, I did not succeed.
A couple of weeks ago, I also came across some negatives when I was going through some old photographs. I thought they were of pictures that I had put together on a collage for my son and it might of been lost through some unfortunate situation so I had pictures reprinted from the negatives.
When I looked at the pictures after getting them back from the printers, I realized that they had been taken only a month or so before Katie died and my mind took me back to a place of trying to see in the pictures what I might have missed seeing when my daughter was here and alive.
Why doesn’t depression really show in pictures sometimes? Why can’t it even be seen when you are with someone every single day? Was I oblivious to my daughter being in so much pain?
My heart is broken. It will never be unbroken.
I can not go back in time and nothing can be undone. I live my life with a quiet acceptance of what is and feeling the feelings that go along with the loss of my child’s life is permanent. From that lowest of low point, everything else is a slow, painstaking creep up to the top of the roller coaster chute.
I know that the descent is going to come back…..always. On a roller coaster ride you cannot have the highs if you do not have the lows so you just have to brace yourself and hold on tight. At least now the lows are not as frequent as they once were and my memories of Katie are more about how she lived rather than of how she died.
Thank you for reading.