“I Can’t help it,” she said, “it’s just the way I am, I’ve always been like this. It’s not my fault that I prefer the first born over all the rest”, as she walked past the open door of the room with the baby, the child I had nicknamed “Little Miss Blue’s Clue’s” because she loved that children’s show so much, standing in her crib, crying, again, because she was being left at home, again, when others were being taken out somewhere to have some fun.
This was the mentality of my former in-laws and my ex-husband. How it was perfectly ok to favor one child over the other. This is how they treated my daughter Katie and it had lasting affects on her feeling of self worth.
I, on the other hand, was raised in a home with eight siblings and the mottos were, “the more, the merrier”, “there’s always room for one more” and “the kids eat first”.
I have to admit, I do understand how some family behaviors seem perfectly acceptable within the confines of that family. For example, we were raised with the notion that it was perfectly ok for my father to, (sometimes, not always), have a steak for supper when we were only having stew or hamburgers for our supper. Or for him to have some foods saved in the refrigerator just for him. The reason being, he was the bread winner providing for all the rest of us and deserved certain privileges.
It wasn’t until I had a family of my own that I saw how detrimental to a person’s self-worth that this way of thinking could be. You end up feeling a great deal of the time that having something is better than having nothing and you become accustomed to settling for what you get, even though it may not be what you want or feel that you deserve.
My mother also believed that the relationship that she had with my father came first, even before us. She told me once, “I was with him before I even knew you.” This way of thinking I do agree with. Relationships are important and they take work and real effort on the part of people who are in the relationship in order for them to work.
Also, both people should want the same thing. They should both really want for the relationship to work. If you really don’t care whether or not it survives or that it’s just a stepping stone for you to get something else, you will get exactly what you have put into it.
It is not just relationships between couples that need to be worked at in order for them to survive. Any relationship with any person that you place any value on, must be worked at in order for it to survive.
I have always tried to make an effort with people I care about to show them as much as possible how much I care about them. I happen to believe that “actions speak louder than words” and it’s important for people to see by my actions that I mean what I say.
Much to my dismay however, I have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, no matter how much I try, some relationships in my life will not survive, no matter what or how much I do to try to show the people that I care about how much I care. They will simply have nothing to do with the relationship or with me.
I wish I could simply say, “their loss” and be done with it but the sadness lingers a great deal of the time over the loss.
I wonder now, if it had been me who uttered those words mentioned above, would my life be any different than it is now?
My heart is telling me no, probably not…..what will be, will be.
One thing that I do know however, is that love for someone does not end simply because they make the choice to not be in your life. You learn to simply carry on without them and grow stronger as a human being.