I wish I knew why my life is the way it is.
I know, an understatement, right?
Was it all pre-determined before I even arrived on this planet or what?
I’m not looking for pity or attention or anything else from anyone, I am just trying to rid my head of my thoughts.
I find that writing helps me to quell the turmoil in my head. If I get the thoughts out and get them written down somewhere, it helps to quiet my mind so that I can focus on what it is I have to do in the moment that I am living in.
Being alone is not the easiest thing for me to be. It is something that I am still learning how to be. I have had a lifetime of being surrounded by a lot of people, first with my parents and siblings and then with my son and my daughter.
When my son was in high school he moved in with his father then it was my daughter and I and we lived together until her death in 2003.
After my daughter died, my son and his wife offered me a place to live with them but even in my shattered, grieving mind, I was coherent enough to know that that would NOT have been a very smart or good move for me.
Firstly, because their marriage was in trouble. Secondly, because I knew that what she probably wanted was a live-in babysitter and as much as I love my grandchildren, I did not want to be in a position where I had no power over my own life. Thirdly, I knew me and I knew her and I knew that I could not keep my mouth shut about her behavior and I did not want to be fighting with my son about his wife so I decided to just stay where I was at.
It’s now been almost twelve years since Katie died. The first five or six years I was still on my grief roller-coaster ride over Katie’s death and I was grateful that I did not live with anyone. I had the freedom to feel any way that I was feeling….I did not have to “act” any particular way if someone was uncomfortable with my sadness.
As it is, I have since found out that even though I did not live with anyone, my sadness affected some of my relationships. I wish someone had told me at the time but that is neither here nor there, all I can do is the best I can do, today.
It is when I am alone and don’t have anywhere that I have to be when I think the most about what I do not have in my life. I’m not talking about things. I’m talking about people. I try to focus on what I do have and try feeling grateful for that but the negative thoughts always seem to find their way into my head and take over my thoughts.
Staying busy and trying to be productive is the best way I know to not be focusing on what is not in my life. I am trying to accept that my life is the way it is supposed to be. I have no control over people, places and things and what will be, will be.
I believe that it is purposeful that I am alone. Perhaps the lesson is just that I am supposed to learn to live by myself and be totally self-sufficient and the only way I will learn that is to have it in my life.
I just don’t always like the way it feels when I’m learning how to do it.